Monday, March 31, 2008

My Shame

One of the reasons for my introversion is a strong sense of shame that I hav always had. Sometimes shame concerning where I come from, or shame for the things that I don't have or merely a shame concerning the things I haven't achieved (...or feel I should have achieved by now).

It is self-propagating: it leads to a whole load of fear, and I'm sure that other than sheer laziness, it is the main thing preventing me from fulfilling my potential. What's the reason for all the shame? Haven't I led a good life? Didn't my parents bless me with their best even when times were hard? Can't I count myself among some some of the luckiest people in this world, with all the things I've seen, places I've been and all the opportunities I've been granted?

Ideally, I should. My shame is simply a symptom of an inherent 'thanklessness'. I could have the world at my feet, but if I find no contentment within myself I would be but a lost cause.

So Lord, I ask you, beg you, to teach me contentment. Help me to find joy within my daily toil, and furthermore, help me to appreciate the toils and labour of others. Help me to learn how 'to do more with less' instead of achieving less whilst wasting so much. And, lastly, teach me to be able to move on with things no matter where I find them. Ideally, it would be great to have all the pieces of the puzzle solved before moving on, but alas, this is not a perfect life...we sometimes have to set off when most things appear uncertain.

But I'm sure that with a lot of determination and self-discipline (and a lot of help from above) all things are possible. Please wean me from my resistance to that first step.

I have a lot to do; my destiny awaits. There simply isn't any room to be cowered by an overbearing sense of shame & guilt, so I will move on as is. I have nothing to be ashamed of. If I can acknowledge my faults, pick myself up and confess them to my Father, & if He with all His majesty can put all those things aside, who am I to hold on to them?